Friday, July 22, 2011

Keep Your Shirt On: A Needless Nudity Rant

There are few things in the experience of film that bug me more then needless nudity. Now, before I can really get into this properly I have to be honest, I have always been a fan of, how do I say this, emmm........ok, breasts, there I said it, (please don't judge me). From my youth to my teenage years I was very breast obsessed, and loving boobs and movies as I do, seeing the words, "This movie has nudity"* always seemed to make it that much better. Cut to me being all growed up, I'm still a big fan of breasts, but now that I have matured a bit, (what, really, I have!) and I have a wife and daughters, I look at nudity in films much differently. Where once upon a time nudity in a film = awesome, now it is something that I am always happy to not have to see.
Now this is not to say that nudity in film is always wrong, (now hear me out) you can't possibly do certain films without showing naked people. For example, Porn, JUST KIDDING, ok, for example, Schindler's List, (If for some incredibly strange reason you have never heard of Schindler's List, first of all that is sad, and second of all check out my post here) . You may ask yourself**,why was nudity necessary in S.L., (I am just going to use the initials for Schindler's List, cause I am lazy, and I figure you are smart and can follow along) well, when making S.L., Spielberg was trying to capture a realistic portrait of what happened in concentration camps during
The doctors who decide who goes to the
showers are in the white coats on the left
 the holocaust, and in that, the Jewish people were often humiliated and degraded in many ways, one of which was to all jog around in a circle naked to see if any of them were sick so they would send them to the showers, (in case you are really clueless, when you were sent to the showers in the concentration camp, it is usually where they killed you) where again, it would make sense to show people naked there too. So in the case of S.L., and other movies like The Shawshank Redemption where they bring prisoners in to the cells naked, or movies set in Africa or Australia that have indigenous nudity, (that is just a fancy way of saying the people normally walk around naked, so it makes sense to have them naked in the movie) in these cases nudity is necessary to tell the story. But in truth, that is really not what this rant is about.
This is not what I am talking about.

What this rant is really about is needless nudity, now here is my problem, and let me set the stage for you so you fully understand what I am talking about. Ok, shut your eyes, and imagine that you're watching a movie, and while you are sitting there, watching this movie, you think to yourself, self, this is a good movie. I bet other people I know would like this movie, in fact, since I am a youth leader, I think that this would be a great movie to show to my teens, cause they would probably wait a minute, did that woman just take her top off. Why, WHY!*** Ok, so did that ever happen to you, cause it happens to me all the time. So just so you think I am not insane, let me give you an example.
K2 is a movie about the true story of 2 climbers that join a climbing expedition to reach the summit of, you guessed it, K2, (if you didn't guess it don't feel bad, Jesus and I still think your awesome, maybe not smart, but definitely awesome). So how could there be nudity in a movie about mountain climbing? Well, the one guy in order to go on the trip needs to ask his wife for permission, and he has trouble sleeping trying to figure out a way to ask her, which she picks up on and bugs him to tell her what is bothering him, so he finally does and she gets mad and storms off. So, here is the thing, the guys wife sleeps naked. So for about 4 seconds when she gets up you see her completely undressed. Now, in S.L. nudity has a reason for being there, but why was it in K2? Beats me. I know why boobs are shown in many films, and that is for one
I only did it for the sake of art!
simple reason, $$$$$, (I like to call this the Halle Berry Clause, cause she got paid a bunch of money in Swordfish to show her twins**** for a few seconds of screen time, $500,000 to be exact, and I will be honest, I think they over paid, but they actually did get their money's worth, cause a bunch of guys coughed up $8 to see Swordfish for just those few seconds of screen time). Men like seeing naked women***** and film makers know that, so although I would prefer there be no nudity in a
OK, I admit, it was funny, but still not necessary!

movie, at least you can see why they are putting it in, $$$$$, (I just watched Piranha the other night, Boobs in 3D, now that is art******) but why the heck did they put it in K2, or Forgetting Sarah Marshall, or one of the biggest movies of all time, Titanic, (which I refuse to ever watch, but come to think of it, why was there nudity in Titanic? AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!)
Hey, do you want to pretend that you're flying
and then you can show me your boobs later?
So, that's it, I hate needless, pointless nudity, ruining movies for me

This is good!
 and the people who I could have shown them to, but now I can't, all because some guy decided that a woman in the movie had to expose her Thelma and Louise******* for a few seconds of screen time. So, ladies, keep your girls under wraps, whether on film or in life, and guys, stop being such horn dogs. That's all I got for now, so until next time, stay dressed and rant at you later.

*Actually, if the words, "This movie has violence, nudity and course language" appearing at the front of it, I generally thought that no matter what it would be awesome.
**Bonus points if you actually did ask yourself.
***Now if you shut your eyes, how did you read the rest of my post?
****The twins is just one of the slang terms I have heard for breasts, here are some more, many of which I have heard from women. Balloons, Bert And Ernie, Bonnie And Clyde, Cha-Chas, Dairy Pillows, David And Goliath (not sure I understand this one unless they were particularly disproportionate in size to each other), God's Milk Bottles, Holmes And Watson, Hubcaps, Milk Wagons and my personal favorite from Leonard Cohen, The Upturned Bellies Of Fallen Sparrows, or Ta-Ta's, its kinda 50/50.
*****Some women do too, but I don't have time to go into that here.
******Please note the sarcasm, plus I saw it in 2D.
*******That is another name I have heard used.


  1. On the topic of needless nudity, did you ever see the movie Gamer. Absolutely horrible, largely because about 1/3 of the movie was completely unnecessary nudity. I mean the movie would still be horrible without it, but that made it even worse.

  2. Davis, I am totally with you on Gamer, I was hoping that was going to be a good movie, but it sucked, and it had all this really gross nudity in it to boot. Epic Fail of a movie.

  3. Completely agree with this author. It's a cop out. How about making a movie that's actually decent instead of resorting to needless nudity. Enough already.