Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Incredible Mr. E And The Two Doors Of Doom

Ok, I have been watching a lot of James Bond films lately, and that means I have seen a lot of evil dudes catch Bond and instead of just putting "two" in his head like any sensible villain, they put him in a pool with sharks, or a jungle with wild animals chasing him, and Bond does what Bond always does and gets away and then beats the bad guy. So with that in mind, here is a little situation that I am going to put you in, with two diabolical choices, and you can just call me The Incredible Mr. E for this post.
So here it is. You find yourself in a jungle with two levers in front of you. The levers open doors to cages 5 miles away from you on opposite sides of the jungle. You are then told over a loudspeaker by The Incredible Mr. E, (which is me if you remember, and if you already forgot you might want to talk to a doctor about that, cause something might be wrong with you if you forget that quickly and then being stuck on my imaginary island with monsters chasing you is the least of you worries) that you have 60 seconds to pull one of the two levers, or both of the cages will open. So, which lever do you chose to pull, the left or the right? Well, what are behind the cage doors would be my first question, (and probably yours too, that or, do you know the muffin man, but the cage question is probably a bit more important right now*) so Rod Roddy**, tell em' whats behind door number one.
God Rest Your Soul Rod Roddy, Hopefully Behind Door Number One.
Well The Incredible Mr. E, behind door number one is a terrifying killing machine of a creature that stand between 6 to 8 feet tall, has a hardened exoskeleton, a razor sharp piercing tail and even if you do manage to hurt it, it has acid for blood. I am of course referring to a Xenomorph, or as you might know it better, an Alien.
Yep, Xenomorphs are the creatures found in all those ultra cool scifi movies in the Alien series. They are strong, fast and tricky, and did I mention that they are great at hiding too. Yeah, so if you pull that first lever this is what you are going to have chasing you around the jungle.
So that is door number one, but what about door number two you might say, that has to be better then an acid filled monster, right? Well, how about something that likes to hunt acid filled monsters for sport, cause thats what is behind door number two.
Predators, (from the aptly named Predator series) are smart, quick and very strong aliens standing roughly 6 to 7 feet tall, (not the xenomorph type, but aliens in the, "there not from around here" variety). They are also incredibly advanced, with cool energy weapons and space ships and....theres something else, something I'm forgetting,..... what is it, oh yeah, they can become freakin invisible. Yep, Predators have this ultra cool tech that basically covers their entire body and for all intents and purposes, makes them invisible, which comes in really handy, cause in case you haven't figured it out yet, Predators are called Predators cause they are hunters, and they are really really good at tracking things down and then killing them.
So, you are back in the jungle, standing in front of those two levers, the one on the left letting out a Xenomorph, the one on the right letting out a Predator. You have 60 seconds, or both of the cage doors are going to open automatically and then you are doubly screwed, cause this island is the only island in the history of the world where Predators and Xenomorphs will not kill each other, due to a chemical that I, The Incredible Mr. E, have injected them both with. So if you were banking on letting the time run out and both cage doors opening with the possibility of the two killing each other, then you are pretty much dead, cause they will just catch you together and then sit down on a checked table cloth and split you like a bucket of chicken. So, tick tock, tick tock, make a choice, and pull a lever, and then run for life.
So there you go, that is my super villain diabolical plot. So pick your poison, or killer alien, as the case my be, and until next time when I kidnap you and put you in a impossibly impossible*** situation, this is The Incredible Mr. E saying, remember to spade and neuter you pets and aliens, and poop and scoop always, unless of course your pet is a Xenomorph, cause then you will just melt your hands trying to pick that stuff up, but other then that poop and scoop away. Until next time, blog at you later.
Now here is a movie that I think we can all get behind.
*To answer your other possible question, Yes, I do know the muffin man, we go way back, before he got all famous with the songs and blinged out solid gold gum drop buttons, back then we just called him "M", and let me tell you, I liked him better before all the money and fame changed him. I miss you "M", I miss you.
**Some of you are probably wondering, Who the heck is Rod Roddy? All I can say is, ask your parents, they will know.
***Yeah, you read that right.