Friday, May 11, 2012


Ok, so if you read my last post you found out that I have had a fair amount of writers block as of late, so I decided that I would try and break it with a topic that is near and dear to my heart, in movies, and in everyday life. And to do that, I need to give you a scenario and a bible verse or two so you will understand, so bare with me and it will all make sense. So here we go.
Give it a couple of minutes and this picture will make more sense.
Scenario # 1
You are driving on a family vacation through the back roads of, of, well, you know what, it doesn't matter, it could be forests, or
 mountains, or desert, or Detroit, truth is it doesn't really make a difference, but what does matter is all of a sudden your car stalls, your cell phone doesn't work and there is no sight of CAA, The Auto Club or any local, county or state law enforcement anywhere in sight. What is in sight is, or at least, in ear shot is the sound of a chain saw starting up, (possibly accompanied by a banjo, it depends on the movie or location) and that is usually followed by some form of maniacal laughter and then the slaughtering of all your loved ones starts to happen. Does this sound familiar? Ok, good, now onto scenario number two

Scenario # 2
You are home alone, and the phone rings, you answer, expecting to hear either one of three things, 1.) Your best friend calling to see if you want to hang, maybe even check out the latest Christopher Nolan 1 movie. 2.) A window or heating duct company trying to get you to try out their latest deal, or 3.) A robotic message lying to you about the proper polling station you should go to in the up coming
 election. But no, instead of any of those incredibly useful things, what you get is some psycho deep breathing with a voice modulator informing you that he is in the house , (possibly in the basement, but more likely in the closet 2) and that you are going to die cause he is going to kill you when you least expect it. Is this ringing any bells, or metaphorical phones, good, (I am just gonna assume you had your metaphorical phone bells rung, if you didn't, don't worry too much about it, life is full of disappointments, this is a very minor one) moving on to the last scenario, which strangely enough is kind of an end of the world thing.
Scenario # 3
Yep, you heard me, Zombies. Flesh eating, stumbling around, arms outstretched, want to eat your brains for breakfast Zombies. Do I really need to write more, they're freakin Zombies, Nuff said. So there they are, the three scenarios that give you a little glimpse into what I am talking about, so now let me give you three quotes from the good book  3 before I actually get to the point of all this.

We will start in Hebrews, chapter 4, verse 12, which says, "The word of God is alive and active, sharper than any double-edged sword. It cuts all the way through, to where soul and spirit meet, to where joints and marrow come together. It judges the desires and thoughts of the heart." Next up is Ephesians chapter 6, verse 16, "At all times carry faith as a shield; for with it you will be able to put out all the burning arrows shot by the Evil One. And accept salvation as a helmet, and the word of God as the sword which the Spirit gives you."
Ok, now ask me, "What's your point?" Well, go ahead, ask, I'll wait. Who am I kidding, it has been so long since I have blogged I better not waste any more time, so here's the point, S.S.L. Now, give me a minute,(or a couple of minutes if you are a slow reader) and I will explain. In the last bunch of years there seems to be a bunch of sayings and slogans that have used the first letters of each word for a short form. Now this is way before texting short forms took hold of the world with their lol's and brb and my personal favorite, AMRMTYFTS 4, but no, I am talking about the whole WWJD thing and such, and probably the most famous one in history, S.O S., (which is an old sailor term for distress ships which stands for Save Our Souls 5). Well, for me, I say forget about S.O.S., cause it is all about S.S.L.
S.S.L. simply means this, SWORDS SAVE LIVES. Ok, so here it is, take all those scenarios from earlier, the chainsaw wielding hillbilly psychos, the serial killers in stupid masks and the flesh eating zombies, and then give yourself a sword.

Now sure, it sucks that you are in the situation you are in, but be
 honest, don't you feel a whole lot better knowing that when the zombie comes to eat your spleen, (little known fact, Zombies love spleens, not sure why, but trust me, they do) that you can cut it into a bunch of pieces 6, or as the serial killer comes down the stairs with his stupid taunt, that
 you are going to get a chance to cut the arm off that he dialed the stupid phone with in the first place. You see, I love swords, always have, always will, there is just something awesome about them, so much so that even the bible recognizes this. In the bible, as shown in the above verses, a sword is given an incredibly high honor, it is said to be the metaphorical equivalent to the WORD of God. I can't stress enough how awesome that is. So it makes perfect sense to me that this love of swords has carried over to movies, so be it Highlander, or Seven Samurai or your run of the mill ninja movie, if swords are there, then I am a happy camper.
Me, as a sword wielding tennis ball looking happy camper.
So, with that, every time I watch a movie and any of the above scenarios occur, or countless others, all I keep thinking is, "Man, if that guy just had a sword he would be fine right now." So think about it, next time you are watching a movie and the fit hits the shan 7, remember S.S.L., and you can thank me later.
A classic choice, you can't go wrong with.

Oh, and for those really smart people who noticed that I only gave you two bible verses when I said three, here is the third one, (and good for you being so smart, go eat a cookie, my treat). In Matthew
Not really Jesus, but pretty cool anyway!
 chapter 26, verses 51, 52, it talks about when Jesus was being arrested, and the disciple that shares my name decides that he was going to take my advice, and pulled his sword with the following results, "One of those who were with Jesus drew his sword and struck at the High Priest's slave, cutting off his ear. “Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him. “All who take the sword will die by the sword." Now, Jesus was not a violent guy 8, and although I love swords I have no problem with what he said, cause it is true, those who live by the sword will die by the sword, but as far as I am concerned, that beats getting eaten by a zombie any day. So thanks for reading, I will try and post more often, until then, stay safe, stay dry, and for my sake, stay living, cause I have no interest in taking out your zombie corpse 9, with a sword or otherwise. Anyway, until then, blog at you later.

1 Man can that guy make outstanding movies or what, and if you say, "or what" do yourself a favor and just stop reading my blog, cause clearly, you suck.
2 And I am not referring to the killer being homosexually in denial, incase you were confused.
3 And by the good book I am referring to the bible, incase you might have been hoping for the latest Stephen King novel.
4 To be truthful I just typed in "funniest texting short form" to Google and that one came up, I don't have a favorite, cause I am not lame like that, oh, and it stands for "All My Roommates Thank You For The Show" incase you were wondering.
5 And now you know, and knowing is half the battle! Go Joe!!!!
6 Actually cutting it to pieces would be a waste of time, here is a video staring Zach Levi to educate you on proper zombie killing technique, enjoy.

7 Yeah, you read that right.
8 He actually took the time to reach down and pick up the dudes ear while still being arrested and healed him there on the spot, how awesome is that.
9 I wanted to use a different word here then corpse, but my wife would have told me off, so feel free to make it cooler by picking any word you think fits best and I will get to stay out of trouble, how is that for team work.

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